“Signing Day Blunders” – An extract from Hoi Polloi, by David Murray

Posted: April 19, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

After arrivin’ slightly early for an interview at the exemplary justice system for repeat local jobseekin’ offenders(!) AKA – the Job Centre, ah thought tae masel, ah’ve got you in ma sights, ya specky prick!  Your type, and this place are the bane of ma existence.  Lookin’ doon oan people who find themselves in dire-straits, naewhere tae go, homeless, penniless, or maybe even worse.  You aw sit there oan yer high-horse like underpaid guards at Heaven’s gates, ready tae take advantage of the weak.  Includin’ me.  Ah mentally pressed ma finger intae ma chest as a thought this.  It felt right.
“Hello.  Here for an interview at twelve fifty.”  Ah says as ah enthusiastically strolled through the main slidin’ doors.
“Sorry son, your appointment’s no’ until One O’clock.”
“Son?  Ah’m no’ yer son, and ah can assure ye mate, the message ah’ve got says “Wednesday; 12:50pm.”  So, upstairs or doon?”  The prick just looked at me wi’ this senseless impenetrable expression oan his face before replyin’.
“Your appointment is at One O’clock, Young!  Unfortunately, we have no seating or waiting rooms available for patrons such as yourself that arrive early on occasion.  Therefore, Mr Young, you are NOT allowed to wait inside the building, unless your appointment is, imminent.”  That explains how every time ah pass the place, it’s like a bookies, twenty folk hangin’ aboot the front door.  They were obviously, early!  Ah couldn’t quite believe ma ears when this robotic idiot spoke.
“Wait a wee minute, pal.  So you, and yer colleague who’s just waded into the situation, arms folded as if he thinks he’s Schwarzenegger or somethin’, expect a guy who’s arrived slightly early for an interview, to give a good impression, to stand ootside in the freezin’ cold?”  Ah paused for effect. ”  All for the sake of NINE MINUTES!?”  Nine fuckin’ minutes.  Ma fuckin’ arse.
“Aye.”  He replied with a smirk on his face.  The place was full of seats.  Hardly a person there.  Ah’d imagined he’d have invited me in, effortlessly ducked behind me as ah casually stepped forward, and slipped ma jacket off with ease and placed it ontae the hanger-stand.  Ah’d imagined the soft Indentation-force-deflection-technology cushions as they pressed against ma weathered arse cheeks when ah finally sat doon.  Oh the comfort, the blissful harmony as ah waited oan ma name bein’ call…  It never happened.  Ah was suddenly reminded of the scene fae Titanic, when the ship was sinkin’ and the Captain’s goonies shouted.  “Women and children first!  Women and children only!”  Ah was one of those men that weren’t allowed oan the boats, only this time it was minimum-wage dictators instead of Captains and Officers who’d been shoutin’ the odds.  The patronising cunt at the door had one up oan me this time as ah casually walked back intae the cold gloomy afternoon.  PRECISELY nine minutes later, ah returned tae find the same graceless expression starin’ at me as ah walked in the door. Unrelenting this time.
“Name!?” He asked with a goading tone.
“Stevie Young. Ah departed these here premises little under nine minutes ago.” Ah couldn’t help but add a few notes of brazenness tae ma response, after aw, the dickhead turned me away for bein’ early. And now ah’m near’ late!”

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